I think, before this I've never really felt the need to talk about what I'm feeling. In other words, I've never really acknowledged the fact that I have anxiety (mild, if you were wondering). However now, I feel it is important to accept that feeling and not just settle with it, I have to learn how to work around it and get better.
I get anxious often, basically during my hours in the day, I get anxious about 10-15 times? Maybe half of that are eustresses but most of them are quite worrying. I try to reason with myself every time that happens. I think about the root of what is causing it and try to work around it. I try to breathe at a calculated pace. I try to find a quieter place if I'm outside in public and really listen to what my breathing sounds like. And if everything fails, I do the selawat. I make zikr to Allah swt to help me, make it easier for me, Ya Allah. Help me because I can't do it myself sometimes.
I hope to anyone who's reading this that if you're going through the same things that I am, seriously, talk to someone about it. Let it out. If not, talk to Allah. He is the Most Merciful. I pray that Allah eases your burdens, and mine too. Ameen.
Write: renewed, and loved
Hello, I'm back. And this time I feel renewed. And loved, alhamdulillah. All praises be to Allah. It's been a month since I've written a post and trust me, it has a been a great month. Not saying it was all blue skies and blooming flowers, it has been one of the better months.
I finally graduated from a Diploma study Alhamdulillah. That is one thing off my list, but of course there are other things to think about. A job, sigh. This has been ongoing for so long I'm just waiting for a miracle to happen. But I'll leave it all to Him.
Ah, so much has changed. I think I have been feeling a lot more positive these days. It's got a lot to do with the company that I have around me. A social support system is so much more important than you might think. I used to say things like "I don't need anyone around me" but the truth is, I do. But not just anyone. It's the ones that bring me up, that holds my head up high but at the same time, keeping me grounded. They love me for who I am and I am so blessed to have those people around me. I pray that they are all safe in Allah's hands. Ameen.
I can say that I am progressing, trying to be strong mentally and physically as well. I hope this can bring hope to other people too. Pain is temporary, you will get over it, my love.
Till next time.
I finally graduated from a Diploma study Alhamdulillah. That is one thing off my list, but of course there are other things to think about. A job, sigh. This has been ongoing for so long I'm just waiting for a miracle to happen. But I'll leave it all to Him.
Ah, so much has changed. I think I have been feeling a lot more positive these days. It's got a lot to do with the company that I have around me. A social support system is so much more important than you might think. I used to say things like "I don't need anyone around me" but the truth is, I do. But not just anyone. It's the ones that bring me up, that holds my head up high but at the same time, keeping me grounded. They love me for who I am and I am so blessed to have those people around me. I pray that they are all safe in Allah's hands. Ameen.
I can say that I am progressing, trying to be strong mentally and physically as well. I hope this can bring hope to other people too. Pain is temporary, you will get over it, my love.
Till next time.
Poetry: river of fire
Let's see how long it'll last
This effort of yours
Will it fade
Through time
Will you still cross the river of fire
For me
Or was it just words
The purpose was to only
Catch me in bait
And letting go
When the feeling goes away
(Is love just
a feeling
to you?)
This effort of yours
Will it fade
Through time
Will you still cross the river of fire
For me
Or was it just words
The purpose was to only
Catch me in bait
And letting go
When the feeling goes away
(Is love just
a feeling
to you?)
Write: the shoe
I don't know why but I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. For him to say "Atikah, I think we shouldn't continue this." Probably because we are incompatible, or we are just not on the same page. Maybe he won't give a reason at all, just leaving me hanging. Like I am right now. I am hanging, waiting for the other shoe to drop.
But then he says, "Atikah, you're so important to me" and I feel so happy. Happier than I've ever been this whole entire year put together. And I want it to stay this way. Please. I think I deserve that at least. And more. So much more.
But then he says, "Atikah, you're so important to me" and I feel so happy. Happier than I've ever been this whole entire year put together. And I want it to stay this way. Please. I think I deserve that at least. And more. So much more.
Poetry: first love
Nothing beats
Your first love
Everything after that seems mediocre
Conversations can never dive past
The surface level of a turf
Will you go through this raging ocean with me?
Or will you swim away
Delving into calm waters
The opposite
Of me
Your first love
Everything after that seems mediocre
Conversations can never dive past
The surface level of a turf
Will you go through this raging ocean with me?
Or will you swim away
Delving into calm waters
The opposite
Of me
Write: dear heart
Dear heart,
Stop fluttering so much, as if you've forgotten how deep the cuts were and how splattered the tapes are right now. You're fragile, baby.
Poetry: same world
Maybe writing this here
Would somehow spark a notion
Of us being lovers
In a different world
It could be in space
Or in paper
It wouldn't matter
As long as
We exist
In the same world
write: love
We all have our differences but the thing is
most people tend to dwell on that
with us,
we draw in to our similarities
and what brings us together
is love
(can't believe we are ultimate squad goals with at least 10 years of friendship behind us ♥ )
Write: wips 2
Which one of your relationships
Were true to you
And which one was a rebound
It seems that you can't
Differentiate
Between the two
Or else you would have known
Which was more profound
//
Progression is when
Missing you
Becomes part of my
Daily routine
//
I've learnt to let go
Keep my mind free
My heart at peace
And maybe continue on like this
Without worry
Or anxiety
Coming for me at every second
Of the day
//
(Yay second wip! Ok maybe not so 'yay', I need to keep vomiting more words but I haven't been feeling a lot these days damn it)
Poetry: soulmate
Me?
I am a huge believer in soulmates
He is there
Patiently waiting
We are but in different directions
At this moment
It is fate
And I will wait
Till then,
Keep your heart for me
And I'll save mine
For you
Only
Poetry: you and them
The difference between you
And all the other guys I'll meet
You are passionate love
While the rest claim to have
Only a quarter of what we had
(I still hold on to you
Like a lifeboat
In drowning waters)
Style: Eid Mubarak
Alhamdulillah, Syawal has come to greet us once again even though I am sad that we have to say goodbye to Ramadan. Insya Allah, we will meet again, next year ameen.
I'm a bit late to the party, but I've been wanting to post a little bit about my outfit and makeup during the first and second Eid. Lel. Y'all probably don't care but I do so here we go!
My family and I went for the blue theme this year - and needless to say, so did everyone else's family! We all got the memo except for the ones who went for a different color. haha, jks. Anyways, I feel like everyone feels the need to spend a lot (and I mean a lot) for their outfit that they will only wear once a year (let's be honest). And lemme tell you, I spent less than $50 to get the whole look in places that may be quite obvious, and some, not so.
Glitter shawl: Obviously, Geylang JCC
Sleeve drama top: Bugis Street (level 2 has better deals and lesser people!)
Batik skirt: Batam, for only $15 can u believe it
Shoes: Rubi (staff discount lmao, #notashamed)
So basically, it took me a while for me to find all these goodies but if I can save a bit here and there, why not right? And for makeup, I didn't buy new things (omg this is the new Atikah) cos I thought, if I'm comfortable with the ones I have, why do I want to try something completely new on an important day? Haha.
Face: catrice prime and fine primer, la girl foundation, innisfree no sebum powder, elf contour palette, the balm mary lou manizer, benefit rockateur blush
Eyes: elf mad for matte 2, clio eyeliner, covergirl volume mascara, (and some lens I bought from a random optics store)
Lips: kat von d everlasting liquid lipstick in lolita II
So yes, that's about it. I've been trying out contact lenses cos I need help with seeing and I can say that I've been loving it so far. They are far more comfortable than my huge chunk of glasses I must say!
Ok till next time.
Write: yours truly
I woke up from a bad dream crying. It would've been sufficient to say it was a nightmare but it wasn't. It wasn't bad or scary or tragic enough. It was a conversation in my head that I kept replaying over and over while I'm conscious, it has somehow moved to my dreams. It was just a conversation and I broke.
But I know the message was pretty clear. The thing that I've been wanting to tell myself more often: let yourself heal. And more. So here's a post dedicated to me, yours truly.
I know you're struggling. I know you've been keeping up a happy mask to keep everyone off your back. I know your heart still hurts. But don't stop yourself from crying. If you're in pain, let it out. Acknowledge that pain, bring it up to surface and go on from there. Don't let it get stuck in the hollows of your heart. Better yet, clean it out. It will take time - a whole lot of time, but it'll be worth it. I know things will get better, so trust Him. You will be happier, you do deserve better. Be strong, Atikah, you can do this. You will get there, to the embraces of happy and success.
I know you will and I know you can. Trust Him.
Poetry: mind you
I want to know what's on your mind
He says
His eyes full of expression
True sincerity from his heart
Curiousity taming the cat
But why, I ask,
My mind is a terrible place
It's full of facades
Trapped ideas
Sad monologues
You will only run away after knowing about it
Too many instances where it has happened
Left alone for these reasons
It's trivial but it builds up
So don't ask me what's on my mind
Find out
And love me right
He says
His eyes full of expression
True sincerity from his heart
Curiousity taming the cat
But why, I ask,
My mind is a terrible place
It's full of facades
Trapped ideas
Sad monologues
You will only run away after knowing about it
Too many instances where it has happened
Left alone for these reasons
It's trivial but it builds up
So don't ask me what's on my mind
Find out
And love me right
Write: wips 1
The gifts you gave me
I still hold on to them
Like a prize possession
That I can't seem to let go of
And I can't let go of you
Just yet
//
I am happy for you
As much as I ache
For the heart that will never be mine
//
I need to talk to you
To sleep
Like chamomile tea
It's bitter
But I'll drink it everyday
//
(so these are work in progresses that I won't work on anymore since I've run out of ideas for them therefore why they are all in one post. It's been sitting in my drafts for a week so why not)
Write: career and whatnots
Post grad always mean one thing - thinking about your career. And I know people say things like take your time and stuff like that, but the economy does not give you that privilege. So you know, I'm still struggling trying to find out what I actually want to do in real life, not the things I think about in my head. Cos being a neuro psychologist or a school counselor sounds damn cool in my brain. In reality, those two are pretty hard to achieve - not impossible - but it just takes a lot of time.
For now, what is it really that I want to do? I've been in retail for more than a year now but is it really the path I want to take? A store manager, HR manager etc sounds like a great future advancement, but for now, is being a retail team member even worth it? Now pros: it's good money cos shift hours, I will be busy during the week, good experience I guess (?). and there's cons: working on weekends, basically no life, standing for hoursssss
But to be honest, being in a retail platform right now is not so bad. I'm just complaining cos you know, that's what humans do. I have no problem with being busy most days during the week cos (a) I have no other commitments and (b) if I'm not at work, I'll probably be at home, reading. I don't really have a social life to lose haha.
Right now - post grad life - is probably one of the things that I have to go through among other ones. I just have to cruise through this, apply for as many jobs as I could and run with it. I have a lot of time right now, alhamdulillah for that. I know some people would want to take my place in a heartbeat because time is also a privilege. So I'll enjoy this moment all I can. Without worry, Insya Allah and hope for the best. Pray for me :')
Write: buttery things
It's been an ongoing thing for a while for me to stress bake. From moving to a different country, to meeting new people to new school, new job etc it has been one crazy ride for me in Singapore. However, I do feel super accomplished. I've done a lot for the past year or so, and sometimes I like to take a step back and just reflect. Whenever I feel like things are getting too heavy on my shoulders, I bake. I guess the perks of being stressed during this time of the year is quite useful then haha.
Anyways I would like to talk more about stress baking. It's been an outlet for me since I started learning how to bake. How do I say it... it's just therapeutic. It's less expensive than shopping, that much I know haha. But the feeling of accomplishment after you've done baking, now that feeling overrides the stress. Don't get me wrong, the stress is still there but it's manageable. Baking clears my mind. It makes me more focused so I don't get distracted. Gives me a goal. So yes, stress baking is not always bad.
And of course, even if I still feel like crap afterwards, I can munch on the goodies I made. Not during Ramadan of course! It's a nice treat, really. And it's a win-win situation I must say.
I also feel the same about writing. Whenever I write, my mind can finally breathe. If you look into what I think about on a daily basis, it's quite suffocating. I think a lot. Probably more than I should. Basically what I'm trying to say is, I have a lot of weaknesses. But I also try to make it my strength, as best as I can. 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼
Also I wanna add tips to make cookies in humid weather:
1. Chill your dough for half an hour or so (cover it in cling wrap). It makes a world of difference!
2. Leave the rest of the dough in the fridge while using half so it won't be mushy
3. If you're using a cookie cutter, dip it in flour before inserting it to the dough, that way it won't stick
(I had to learn all of these the hard way ;A;)
Have fun making kueh raya and spend your time wisely during these last 5 days of Ramadan!
Write: let's empower each other
I think women in general feel the need to compare to other women. Sometimes it's not even jealousy, it could be downright hating yourself because you don't have certain things in your life. And that's toxic, I feel. When you go on social media and you see all these beautiful women, the things that they have achieved and that perfect life they lead, it's so easy to look down on yourself. I know because I've been there and even now, I catch myself doing that once in a while.
So what do you do when that happens? You make du'a for them. Pray that they are happy with that life, praise Allah for their beauty and most importantly, if it's something that you want to achieve, pray to Allah for that. Maybe you want her career, or her self-esteem etc pray to Him. Never underestimate the power of du'a. Seriously.
Ok but on a sidenote, just look at your own social media. What kind of posts do you have? What details in your life have you shared? It's quite selective, right? It's the same with everyone, even me. So why mull over things like that. I know, it's not that easy. However, comparisons like these may be a way for you to think bigger from another perspective. It could mean that you can change for the better, for the sake of Allah.
Remember, women are meant to empower another. We go through so much on our daily lives (ladies, you know this). We really don't need to feel irrelevant and have so much hatred for others to burden our already heavy shoulders. Let go of that negative energy and insya Allah, you'll be a better person.
(A small thought after Fajr prayers, hope it benefits!)
So what do you do when that happens? You make du'a for them. Pray that they are happy with that life, praise Allah for their beauty and most importantly, if it's something that you want to achieve, pray to Allah for that. Maybe you want her career, or her self-esteem etc pray to Him. Never underestimate the power of du'a. Seriously.
Ok but on a sidenote, just look at your own social media. What kind of posts do you have? What details in your life have you shared? It's quite selective, right? It's the same with everyone, even me. So why mull over things like that. I know, it's not that easy. However, comparisons like these may be a way for you to think bigger from another perspective. It could mean that you can change for the better, for the sake of Allah.
Remember, women are meant to empower another. We go through so much on our daily lives (ladies, you know this). We really don't need to feel irrelevant and have so much hatred for others to burden our already heavy shoulders. Let go of that negative energy and insya Allah, you'll be a better person.
(A small thought after Fajr prayers, hope it benefits!)
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